A Gender-Questioning Millennial is having Polyamorous Sex on my Snowflake: A Message to the Youth.

Dear Millenials,

We christened you. But we’re not sure who you are. Are you the generation that was born since the year 2000? Or are you the generation that came of age in the 2000s, (meaning that you could have been born earlier)? 

Actually, it doesn’t matter. What matters is you were born in the Interweb Age. You’ve had digital footprints from birth and we haven’t. You know all about FaceChat and MyBook and all that stuff. We don’t. This makes us uneasy.

Worse than that, you get things wrong. Lots of you voted for Jeremy Corbyn. He’s weird. He wants to bring back socialism. You were too young to remember any of this, but it was bad the last time around. Dead bodies went on strike. Stuff like healthcare and education was free. This kind of thing isn’t on.

Also, those of you who voted in the EU referendum mostly voted “Remain.” Again, you weren’t to know, but our grandparents fought against Europe in a world war. They’ve all got funny ideas and foreign accents over there. Not that this is a problem, of course. But we’d rather they did it all over on that side of the water, not here. It’s better that way.

And another thing. Grow a pair. Stop giving people grief online. It’s rude. What about free speech? Ok, it’s not nice when people are racist or sexist or whatever, but standing up for the rights of others is just….well, it’s a bit gay. We don’t call you snowflakes for nothing.

So you’re the first generation in a long while who will be collectively worse off than the previous one? Don’t worry. That just means you’ll all end up skewered on the iniquities of class, gender and race so much more than we did. (Unless your posh. Or white. But let’s not let complexity get in the way of a good rant, eh?) Just remember you’ve got cheap foreign holidays to dull the pain – so what the hell!

Now, what’s with all this “hipster” style? You all wear weird clothes and your hair is weird and this leads to gentrification. Probably. Anyway, it’s all your fault. It’s not like our parents gave us grief for our mohicans, dodgy politics, vegan diets and New Romantic hairdos Just deal with it.

Talking of fashion, what’s all the stuff about trans rights? Being nasty to some bloke in a skirt is the same as racism? Really? And what does “trans” mean anyway? Transatlantic? Transmetropolitan? Or transcendental? Oh, I get it. Transcendental, isn’t it? Like all the hippies. Well, I’ve got news to you. That’s all gay, too. Just stop it.

Also, Tinder? I mean like, w.t.f, (as you say)?? In our day, this kind of thing (“personal ads,” we called them) was for losers. Now you’re all at it – any which way. This makes us VERY uneasy. Stop!

On the other hand: hey! You’re all amazing! You’re the new generation. You’re so full of energy and ideas and wonder. You’ll stop school shootings. You’ll end racism. You’ll prevent global warming. All of which means we can carry on as normal with our compromised lives and not lift a finger to help! And not only will you doubtless deliver us from Brexit, you’ll basically save us from ourselves. That’s why we love you.

But remember: no pressure.

Millennials! The world – you’re welcome to it.

(But it will probably make a lot more sense if you stop listening to a word we say).

Signed:

The Older Generation.

P.S. sorry about the mess.